


Behind the Screens

by a_walking_shadow, Kuroshi44



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Gen, Group chat, SHIELD, in general SHIELD strikes me as a bit of a mess, so I don't think it's that impossible that they'd keep an organisation-wide group chat, they are a secret organisation with their logo on EVERYTHING, which might occasionally reveal classified details
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2019-11-16 15:06:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 10,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18096695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_walking_shadow/pseuds/a_walking_shadow, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kuroshi44/pseuds/Kuroshi44
Summary: S.H.I.E.L.D. runs an absolutely massive internal server for their agents, and adjacent consultants and suchlike. Officially, it's there for the purpose of a handful of information channels, providing guidelines on everything from paperwork submission to what to do in the case of alien invasion.Unofficially, it's used by everyone- from the lowest-ranked agent to the Director himself- to complain about the insanity of the world they find themselves in.(this story is the chat rooms/forums themselves, not full bodies of text.)





	1. The Bus

**Author's Note:**

> I've seen a LOT of fun theories about SHIELD, mixed in with the horrifying angsty ones. I'm pretty sure I've never seen this done before, though, and I thought it was a bit of a tragedy.  
> On that note: As far as I remember, the events/ideas in these are either a) canonical and therefore nothing to do with me or b) my own. It's possible, though, that I saw something years ago, loved it, and then forgot that it wasn't my own idea. If you recognise anything here and think this might be the case, please let me know so that I can give proper credit where it's due. 
> 
> Also, update wise: No idea, sorry. I'm writing this and posting this as I get inspiration. I might remain inspired for months or I might give up in a couple days... either way, I hope you enjoy it!

**Jemma SIMMONS// clearance level: 5// BIO-CHEMIST created a group: S.H.I.E.L.D. 6-1-6**

**Jemma SIMMONS added Leopold FITZ// clearance level: 5// ENGINEER**

**Jemma SIMMONS added Phillip COULSON// clearance level: 8// FIELD OFFICER**

**Jemma SIMMONS added Melinda MAY// clearance level: 7// ADMINISTRATOR**

**Jemma SIMMONS added Grant WARD// clearance level: 7// SPECIALIST**

**Jemma SIMMONS:** I thought it might be a good idea to create an internal chat for our group

**Phillip COULSON:** Excellent idea. Just call it “the Bus”, though, no one uses the full name in the field

**Jemma SIMMONS changed the group name to The Bus**

**Leopold FITZ:** unfortunately, it isn’t an actual flying double decker bus, that’d be fun

**Melinda MAY:** No. No it wouldn’t. And I’m the one who’d have to fly the thing

**Leopold FITZ:** the steering would be terrible, but I’m sure I could make it work

**Jemma SIMMONS:** just because something was done in a Doctor Who episode doesn’t mean it’s a good idea, Fitz

**Leopold FITZ:** Something being done in a Doctor Who episode makes it a brilliant idea by default and I know you agree with me

**Leopold FITZ:** the sonic screwdriver was great and don’t you dare tell me otherwise

**Jemma SIMMONS:** I still think it could’ve been improved if you’d used actual coral in the casing, not only would it look more accurate but the silicate structure would help as an amplifier

**Melinda MAY:** … You’re that Fitzsimmons.

**Leopold FITZ changed his name to FITZsimmons**

**Jemma SIMMONS changer her name to fitzSIMMONS**

**Grant WARD:** Now that’s just going to get confusing

**fitzSIMMONS:** Get used to it.

 

 

**Phillip COULSON added SKYE// clearance level: 0// CONSULTANT**

**Phillip COULSON:** Welcome to the chat. Right now, you’re part of the SHIELD-wide one, which is mainly service updates, and this one, which is our team only

**SKYE:** Awesome

**SKYE:** You guys really are a new team aren’t you

**Grant WARD:** we did tell you that

**SKYE:** Yeah, but still!

**SKYE:** oh wait

**SKYE:** wait

**SKYE:** WHY DID NONE OF YOU TELL ME THAT THE SHIELD WIDE FORUM HAS AN ENTIRE CHANNEL DEDICATED TO PRANKS

**SKYE:** DID YOU NOT THINK THAT WAS IMPORTANT INFORMATION

**Phillip COULSON:** It looks like you’re finding your way around quickly

**FITZsimmons:** There are actually several

**fitzSIMMONS:** each of the different academies has two- one for planning and one for results, I’ve added you to the sci-tech results one and we can probably get you an invite to the Ops and Communications ones too

**FITZsimmons:** However, no one’s going to let you into planning unless you get properly affiliated with one of the academies

**fitzSIMMONS:** There’s also a SHIELD-wide one, as you saw. Stuff has to be pretty spectacular to feature there though

**FITZsimmons:** And the annual prank wars between the academies usually get their own channels, which are archived later

**SKYE:** … you guys have prank wars. Annually. In your top-secret organisation. Which are recorded. And shared amongst everyone in your organisation, regardless of security clearance.

**Phillip COULSON:** Convinced we aren’t the bad guys yet?

**Melinda MAY:** Takeoff in ten. Everyone strap in, we could be in for a bumpy ride.

**SKYE:** … well isn’t she a bundle of laughs.

 

 

**Phillip COULSON changed his name to AC**

**Grant WARD:**???

**AC:** That wasn’t me

**AC changed his name to Phil COULSON**

**Phil COULSON changes his name to AC**

**Admin privileges have been revoked from AC**

**AC:** what

**AC:** Skye, is that you

**AC:** I’m almost impressed at how quickly you managed that

**AC:** Please reverse the name change though

**AC:**

**AC:**

**AC:** Skye?

**AC:** Skye is brilliant, isn’t she

**AC:** She’s so great

**AC:** I’m super impressed with her, don’t you all agree

**Grant WARD:** Okay, this has gone from amusing to a security breach

**FITZsimmons:** don’t all the best pranks?

**fitzSIMMONS:** Next inter-academy prank war, you’re on our side

**Grant WARD:** You aren’t at all worried about the hacker messing with our systems?

**Grant WARD changed his name to SPOILSPORT**

**Admin privileges have been revoked from SPOILSPORT**

**FITZsimmons:** Yeah, she’s ours. We might actually beat Ops this year!

**SKYE:** **😉**

**AC:** In all seriousness, can I have control of my account back, please

**AC changed his name to Agent Dad**

**Agent Dad:** Skye.

**SKYE:** Only if you promise to be fun

**Agent Dad:** …

**Agent Dad changed his name to AC**

**SKYE:** Think you can resist changing it?

**AC:** By the looks of things, I’m not going to have much choice.

**Admin privileges have been granted to AC**

**AC: …** Thank you.

 

 

**SPOILSPORT changed his name to BAD AT BATTLESHIPS**

**BAD AT BATTLESHIPS:** There’s no glory in rubbing it in, Skye

**SKYE:** Aw, is the big bad agent a sore loser?

**BAD AT BATTLESHIPS:** No.


	2. Birds of a Feather

**Group chat: Birds of a Feather**  
**Group members:**  
 **Clint [Clinton BARTON// clearance level: 7// AVENGER]**  
 **Bobbi [Barbara MORSE// clearance level: 6// SPECIALIST]**

 **Clint:** hey

 **Clint:** so you’ll never guess what I just saw

 **Bobbi:** was it, by any chance, Nat flirting with Dr Banner

 **Clint:** … how the hell do you even DO that, you’re on the other side of the country

 **Bobbi:** I’m just well-informed. And in the Triskelion, not LA.

 **Clint:** … I thought you were going to be undercover for another week

 **Bobbi:** Eh. Got bored. The coffee was terrible

 **Clint:** Am I wearing off on you? No, wait, don’t answer that, I don’t want to know

 **Bobbi:** :)

 **Clint:** srsly tho, what’s up with Nat rn

 **Bobbi:** Ask her yourself

 **Clint:** She’s too scary

 **Bobbi:** She’s your teammate

 **Bobbi:** But fair point

 **Bobbi:** Fury asked her to keep Banner on side, apparently, she’s reverted to old tactics

 **Clint:** shit

 **Clint:** that’s never good for her

 **Clint:** do you think I should talk to her about it

 **Bobbi:** I think Hill’s keeping an eye on it

 **Bobbi:** you know her best though, so your call

 

 

 **Bobbi:** Also, Sharon had to hide in the fridge today

 **Clint:** she what

 **Bobbi:** she had to hide in the fridge

 **Clint:** yeah I heard you the first time, but what

 **Bobbi:** so you know how she’s on Captain America duty

 **Clint:** … he was at the Triskelion, wasn’t he?

 **Bobbi:** Yep. Apparently he got into a discussion with Agent Sitwell about Girl Scout cookies in the kitchenette on the fourth floor

 **Bobbi:** And they managed to talk for about fifteen minutes, while Sharon was hiding in the fridge so he wouldn’t see her

 **Clint:** Girl Scout cookies? Really? … that should not surprise me, he’s Cap… I’m impressed she managed to fit in the fridge. Sharon isn’t THAT tiny

 **Bobbi:** she’s pretty flexible

 **Clint:** That flexible though?

 **Bobbi:** Oh, she could definitely do it

 **Clint:** … what do you get up to at your girls nights, exactly

 **Bobbi:** 😉


	3. Strike Team Delta but we should be Alpha because we're awesome

**Group chat: Strike Team Delta but we should be Alpha because we’re awesome**  
**Group members:**  
 **The Hawk Guy [Clinton BARTON// clearance level: 7// AVENGER]**  
 **Mr Paperwork [Phillip COULSON// clearance level: 8// FIELD OFFICER]**  
 **itsy-bitsy-spider [Natasha ROMANOFF// clearance level: 6// AVENGER]**  


**itsy-bitsy-spider:** Hypothetically, if one was to hear rumours that someone wasn’t actually stabbed by Loki

**itsy-bitsy-spider:** At least, not in a manner which is permanently lethal

**itsy-bitsy-spider:** What would one have to do to get explicit confirmation of this

**The Hawk Guy:** Oh, I dunno

**The Hawk Guy:** You’d think he’d BOTHER TO TELL US

**The Hawk Guy:** given that WE’RE HIS RESPONSIBILITY

**itsy-bitsy-spider:** well, maybe he was ordered not to say anything. Hmm. I wonder what clearance is necessary to find out

**The Hawk Guy:** interesting point, that

**The Hawk Guy:** Because it turns out that someone’s file is clearance level seven

**itsy-bitsy-spider:** Why, Agent Barton, I do believe you are clearance level seven

**The Hawk Guy:** Why, Agent Romanoff, I do believe I am

**The Hawk Guy:** If I was to read this file, I’d want to make sure that no one at any clearance level below me could see it

**The Hawk Guy:** Oh! I know! I’ll read it from my place in the rafters over the hangar bay! There’s DEFINITELY no one else in SHIELD who could climb up there!

**itsy-bitsy-spider:** Of course! What a brilliant idea! No one else could POSSIBLY get there.

**Mr Paperwork:** all right, all right

**Mr Paperwork:** Fury did order me not to say anything, but since you worked it out anyway… What gave it away?

**itsy-bitsy-spider:** the cards. You’ve shown us the originals enough, I know a fake when I see one. And you definitely wouldn’t carry them around where they could get damaged

**Mr Paperwork:** …. Mind not telling the other Avengers?

**The Hawk Guy:** I’m pretty sure Stark’s already in the system anyway

**itsy-bitsy-spider:** And, as you’ve told us several times, Captain America is incredibly observant

**The Hawk Guy:** so if us mere mortals noticed the discrepancies, he definitely will have

**Mr Paperwork:** … I guess I deserve that

**The Hawk Guy:** Yes. You do.


	4. why are we called the Avengers and not, like, the Protectors

**Group chat: why are we called the Avengers and not, like, the Protectors**  
**Group members:**  
 **Legolas [Clinton BARTON// clearance level: 7// AVENGER]**  
 **Capsicle [Steven ROGERS//clearance level: 6// AVENGER]**  
 **Natashalie [Natasha ROMANOFF// clearance level: 6// AVENGER]**  
 **Tony [I AM IRON MAN// clearance level: I do what I want// YOU KNOW WHO I AM]**  


**Tony:** Do Big Green and Point Break actually have SHIELD logins? JARVIS can’t find them in the system

**Natashalie:** Neither of them have ever worked for SHIELD before, so probably not

**Natashalie:** What happened to my name?

**Legolas:** Better question, Tony, what happened to your name? How do you even get clearance level “I do what I want”

**Legolas:** Because I want it

**Tony:** Exactly as it says on the tin, Katniss, you do whatever the hell you want

**Tony:** Although it helps to have an AI as brilliant as JARVIS to help

**Capsicle:** Humble as ever, Tony. Any chance of changing my name to something sensible?

**Capsicle changed his name to The Star-Spangled Man With A Plan**

**The Star-Spangled Man With A Plan changed his name to Sparkles**

**Sparkles:** TONY.

**Tony:** Hey look! Gramps found the caps lock key!

**Natashalie:** Boys! Tony, I assume you had an actual reason for this group?

**Tony:** is tormenting Cap not an actual reason? Because it definitely should be

**Tony:** Other than that, not really

**Tony:** I’m bored

**Tony:** and Pepper told me that drinking six cups of coffee in half an hour was a bad idea, so I’m proving her wrong

**Tony:** well, I would be

**Tony:** except I’m feeling kind of jittery. And my chest hurts. And DUM-E seems to think I need to be oiled and I haven’t been able to convince him otherwise so I’m covered in motor oil now

**Natashalie:** … you’re even more of a mess than Clint. That’s not a compliment.

**Legolas:** Oi! I pulled off the glitter brilliantly, I’ll have you know!

**Sparkles left the group.**

**Tony:** … All right, I’ll admit, I didn’t know he actually knew how to _do_ that.


	5. what dumb shit are the Avengers up to now

**Group chat: what dumb shit are the Avengers up to now**  
**Group members:**  
 **Peggy [Margaret CARTER// clearance level: 10// FORMER DIRECTOR]**  
 **NOT CAP’S GIRLFRIEND THAT’D BE WEIRD [Sharon CARTER// clearance level: 7// SPECIALIST]**  
 **you guys are so mean to Capt. Rogers [Phillip COULSON// clearance level: 8// FIELD OFFICER]**  
 **busy with science [Jane FOSTER// clearance level: 0// ASTROPHYSICIST]**  
 **Fury [Nicholas FURY// clearance level: 10// DIRECTOR]**  
 **Hill [Maria HILL// clearance level: 9// DEPUTY DIRECTOR]**  
 **busy with science wrangling [Darcy LEWIS// clearance level: 0// ASSISTANT]**  
 **yes, I was married to Clint, yes, I regret it [Barbara MORSE// clearance level: 6// SPECIALIST]**

 

**busy with science wrangling:** All right, it’s Sunday, and you all know what that means!

**busy with science wrangling:** the moment you’ve all been waiting for!

**busy with science wrangling:** it’s the most exciting event of the week! The stupendous, the astounding

**busy with science wrangling:** the truly unbelievable competition

**busy with science wrangling:** Avengers dumbass of the week!!!

**busy with science wrangling:** the rules, although you should all know them by now

**busy with science wrangling:** anyone can submit the stupidest bullshit they’ve seen a member of the Avengers Initiative doing since last week, preferably with video evidence if it exists. Then we vote for whoever it is that has the fewest functional brain cells

**NOT CAP’S GIRLFRIEND THAT’D BE WEIRD:** I’ll start, shall I? Since I’ve got a front row seat for this

**Peggy:** Oh, do tell

**NOT CAP’S GIRLFRIEND THAT’D BE WEIRD:** well, I didn’t see him until Wednesday, since he was apparently off fighting weaponised toaster ovens

**busy with science wrangling:** Please tell me we have footage of that

**Hill:** We do, but let Sharon finish hers first. Stark wins that one anyway.

**NOT CAP’S GIRLFRIEND THAT’D BE WEIRD:** early Thursday morning, he misjudged his own strength and smashed the alarm clock

**you guys are so mean to Capt. Rogers:** To be fair to him, a lot of enhanced people do that sort of thing

**Peggy:** He’s had a while to get used to it, though. Anything else, Sharon?

**NOT CAP’S GIRLFRIEND THAT’D BE WEIRD:** dinnertime Saturday, he failed to understand the difference between a clove of garlic and a head of garlic and got the building evacuated because of the smell

**Peggy:** … oh dear.

**busy with science wrangling:** okay, that’s impressive. Anyone else have stuff?

**yes, I was married to Clint, yes, I regret it** : Clint fell off a building again

**yes, I was married to Clint, yes, I regret it** : only once though, which I think is the lowest record so far this year

**Hill:** let me check

**You guys are so mean to Capt. Rogers:** the last time he managed to go for an entire week without falling off of something was November last year, but as he was confined to bed rest in a SHIELD facility in Montevideo, I’m not sure if it counts

**Hill:** You’re keeping a record too?

**You guys are so mean to Capt. Rogers:** He’s my agent, I should make at least a token effort to keep an eye on him

**busy with science wrangling:** Moving on, anyone else have stuff?

**You guys are so mean to Capt. Rogers:** A rare one from Agent Romanoff- no footage exists as of yet but I think she’s adopted a cat

**Fury:** she’s done what, now

**You guys are so mean to Capt. Rogers:** She’s adopted a cat, sir. We’ve got footage of it hanging around one of her known safehouses.

**Fury:** I want someone to get a DNA sample from that cat, and I want proof that it’s an ordinary Earth animal, ASAP

**Hill:** Dare I ask why?

**Fury:** No.

**busy with science wrangling:** … is the big scary pirate terrified of cats?

**Fury:** I don’t give a damn about it if it’s an actual cat, I just want to confirm that

**busy with science wrangling:** OH MY GOODNESS IS THERE SUCH A THING AS AN ALIEN CAT

**busy with science wrangling:** @busy with science, HAS THOR TOLD YOU ANYTHING ABOUT ALIEN CATS

**busy with science:** Nothing. He hasn’t contacted me recently anyway

**busy with science wrangling:** damn. Please tell me someone else has stuff at least, so far, this week has been disappointingly normal

**Hill:** You’re forgetting, we have footage of the Avengers fighting weaponised toasters

**Peggy:** I don’t often say this, but for once I think I’m glad not to be in the field anymore. I’m not sure how I’d do something like that with a straight face.

**Maria HILL// clearance level: 9// DEPUTY DIRECTOR uploaded a video [clearance level: 0= SHIELD internal]**

**Peggy:** … I really don’t know how I’d do that with a straight face

**You guys are so mean to Capt. Rogers:** Is that the toaster from the kitchen in Stark Tower

**Hill:** Yes. Stark weaponised his own toasters to try and save space. Except they got a bit, uh, overzealous, when it came to actually toasting bread

**busy with science:** Is that why I couldn’t find any lunch on Tuesday?

**busy with science wrangling:** you mean why the kitchen was a mess and I couldn’t find any bread-like ingredients in the entire tower on Tuesday with which to make lunch for the crazy scientists in the basement

**you guys are so mean to Capt. Rogers:** @Fury, would it be possible to add Pepper to this group? I think she might be able to provide a bit more insight

**Fury:** as long as she doesn’t count as a security risk, do it

**Peggy:** Oh, she’s not going to tell Anthony anything about this. Pepper would love the chance to complain about his messes to people who understand far too much to put it at risk.

**you guys are so mean to Capt. Rogers:** all right, then. I think I have to make her a SHIELD login, hold on

**you guys are so mean to Capt. Rogers added Virginia POTTS// clearance level: 0// CONSULTANT**

**Virginia POTTS changed her name to Pepper**

**Pepper:** Can whoever it was that sent Tony to the kitchen please stop him

**Pepper:** He’s trying to upgrade all the appliances

**Pepper:** And by “upgrade” I mean he’s giving them all explosives and/or flamethrowers

**busy with science wrangling:** ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner.


	6. Bad Cover Story Generator

**Group chat: Bad Cover Story Generator**  
**Group members:**  
**Clint [Clinton BARTON// clearance level: 7// AVENGER]**  
**Issy [Isabelle HARTLEY// clearance level: 7// SPECIALIST]**  
**Bobbi [Barbara MORSE// clearance level: 6// SPECIALIST]**  
**Kara [Kara PALAMAS// clearance level: 6// SPECIALIST]**

 **Bobbi:** Going undercover at a marine science facility. In need of a name. Go.

 **Issy:** Are you thinking, like, blatant sexual innuendo or something more refined

 **Clint:** Nah, bad puns are way better. Any fool can do innuendo, a truly atrocious pun is way more difficult to say with a straight face

 **Bobbi:** Keeping in mind that it’s got to sound real enough to stand up for at least a few days, please

 **Bobbi:** I’m not doing “Paige Turner” the bookshop employee EVER again

 **Clint:** Oh, come on, that one was great

 **Kara:** ooh does that mean I can go for a classics one or something

 **Kara:** Remus Lupin AKA Werewolf McWerewolf level of irony but maybe slightly less obvious 

 **Clint:** no no wait go into some evil organisation with the name Eve Hill, I dare you

 **Kara:** on that note, @Clint I’ve got an environmental one coming up, kind of tempted to go with Teresa Green

 **Clint:** DO IT

 **Issy:** Bobbi’s one first, and she doesn’t want a pun?

 **Bobbi:** Not this time

 **Bobbi:** I like @Kara's suggestion. Place is in Greece so Greek legends or gods or something would be perfect

 **Issy:** Unfortunately Poseidon’s male…

 **Kara:** wow, you know the name of a god?

 **Kara:** did you finally read Percy Jackson

 **Kara:** I’ve been telling you to do that for years

 **Issy:** yeah, yeah, we’re all uncultured fools with no appreciation for history, we know

 **Clint:** Well then, oh enlightened one, any suggestions?

 **Kara:** Hmm

 **Kara:** your best bet is probably Thalassa, one of the primordial gods of the sea

 **Kara:** there’s always Venilia, if you want to go the Roman route, but I think Thalassa sounds better

 **Clint:** do you just, like, know all of these off by heart

 **Kara:** possibly 

 **Clint:** that’s so awesome

 **Clint:** at some stage can you give me a list of all deities who use a bow please

 **Clint:** solely for the purpose of terrible cover stories

 **Kara:** I mean, I can, but this is also a terrible idea and one of these days this is going to backfire on us and we’re going to have to explain to SHIELD why, exactly, we were using jokes and mythology references in sensitive missions

 **Issy:** Maybe. But until then we might as well have some fun. Also, I have a running bet with Vic that I can get through the whole year on nothing but puns and innuendo for aliases and it’s a bet I fully intend to win

 **Clint:** good luck- I tried to bet Nat something similar involving dog breeds and she just glared at me, it was terrifying

 **Issy:** of course it was, she’s the Black Widow

 **Kara:** @Bobbi, you still here? Thalassa sound decent to you?

 **Bobbi:** Unfortunately, Hill asked what was taking so long, and when she saw I hadn’t put down a name yet, decided to write one in herself

 **Clint:** aaw, no

 **Issy:** what did she saddle you with, then?

 **Bobbi:** um

 **Bobbi:** she

 **Bobbi:** Ariel Ursula Sebastian

 **Kara:** really

 **Bobbi:** yep

 **Bobbi:** she just gave me a bunch of Little Mermaid references

 **Clint:** okay, Hill is officially awesome

 **Bobbi:** I thought you declared her officially awesome when she beat you in hand-to-hand a few months back

 **Clint:** well she’s been reaffirmed as officially awesome

 **Kara:** I’m almost jealous. If I leave mine long enough, do you think she’ll do that for me too?

 **Issy:** Honestly? I’d say Teresa Green is terrible enough you should probably just keep it.


	7. Complaining about dim-witted underlings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is set after S1 Ep 7 of Agents of SHIELD ("The Hub").

**Group chat: Complaining about dim-witted underlings  
  
Group members:  
  
Carter [Margaret CARTER// clearance level: 10// FORMER DIRECTOR]  
Coulson [Phillip COULSON/**/ **clearance level: 8// FIELD OFFICER]**  
**Fury [Nicholas FURY// clearance level: 10// DIRECTOR]**  
 **Hand [Victoria HAND// clearance level: 8// COMMANDER]**  
 **Hill [Maria HILL// clearance level: 9// DEPUTY DIRECTOR]**

* * *

**Hand:** Am I allowed to complain about people if they aren’t my underlings

**Hand:** There was a group at the Hub today who were absolutely atrocious

**Coulson:** leave my team alone, Hand

**Hand:** no respect for protocol whatsoever

**Hand:** what should have been a simple mission became endlessly more complicated because of it

**Coulson:** I said, leave them alone

**Coulson:** We wouldn’t have even had this issue if you’d bothered to give us an extraction plan, so I think the main problem is with a dim-witted superior officer

**Carter:** Children, please

**Carter:** If you have a serious issue, resolve it through official channels, not by sniping at each other here

**Hand:** Interesting that you should mention official channels

**Hand:** Because guess what definitely wasn’t followed!

**Hand:** What happened to you, Coulson? Used to be that you were even more of a stickler for following the rulebook than I was. Mostly so that you could rules-lawyer the shit out of it and break every single protocol without technically getting in trouble, but still. What changed?

**Hill:** Drop it, Hand

**Hand:** It’s a serious question! Before, Coulson was the one person in this entire agency who could actually get Barton to submit field reports on time. Now I doubt he’d even bother trying

**Coulson:** What can I say? I’ve got a bit more appreciation for the important things in life now

**Hand:** damn, Tahiti must have really done a number on you

**Coulson:** It’s a magical place

**Fury:** Let it go, Victoria.

**Hand:** What, you’re telling me I don’t get a straight answer?

**Hand:** Actually, never mind, it’s not like I’m straight anyway, why should I expect anything else

**Hill:** You know that pun stopped being funny after about the fiftieth time you said it, right?

**Hand:** Sacrilege! Queer jokes are always funny when said by queer people. Rule number one for interacting with your local lesbian leader: always laugh at the queer jokes. I thought you’d understand that, Maria. It’s crucial.

**Hill:** …

**Coulson:** If you say so

**Hand:** Oh, I do. @Fury, back me up here

**Fury:** I’m not getting involved in your squabbling again, Vic

**Hand:** What a pity. That always makes things interesting.

**Coulson:** And clearly “interesting” is the most important bit

**Coulson:** when your interpretation of SHIELD practices left several members of my team at risk and you didn’t even tell me!

**Carter:** Oh, for goodness sake. I thought we were done with this

**Coulson:** Us? Finish an argument? Never.

**Hand:** Well, at least that much hasn’t changed. How unfortunate. 

* * *

 

 

**Side note:** This chapter was originally going to be very different. Here's the first few lines of dialogue I had, before realising I didn't have the foggiest idea of how to continue it: 

**Hill:** Hey, uh, Nick

**Hill:** I know you don’t want to acknowledge it

**Hill:** But the President of the United States of America is not your underling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Speaking as a queer person who nearly accidentally came out to my parents while making a queer joke... they are almost impossible to resist.  
> (I was cutting bread and dad was complaining about the fact that the slices weren't straight. It took an enormous amount of willpower not to reply that they were straighter than I am. This, you see, is the problem with going to uni in one city and being flamboyantly queer, then going home and having to remember you aren't out to people. I did do it properly a few months ago though, and it went well, so I'm no longer in danger of accidentally outing myself via the irresistible urge to make a pun.)


	8. Captain America Fan Club

**Group chat: Captain America Fan Club  
Group members:   
Phil [Phillip COULSON/**/ **clearance level: 8// FIELD OFFICER]**

* * *

 

**Phil added Clinton BARTON// clearance level: 7// AVENGER**

**Phil added Natasha ROMANOFF// clearance level: 6// AVENGER**

**Clinton BARTON:** oh, come on

**Clinton BARTON:** not again

**Phil:** You don’t have to be rude, Clint

**Natasha ROMANOFF:** yeah, Clint, what would Captain America say about that, Clint

**Phil:** …

**Clinton BARTON:** plz stop adding me to this

**Clinton BARTON:** I REALLY do have better things to do with my time than learn about the history of Cap merchandise

**Natasha ROMANOFF:** Really now… given how you were looking at the shield, I’m a bit sceptical

**Clinton BARTON:** Um

**Clinton BARTON:** I have a good excuse

**Phil:** go on

**Clinton BARTON: …** I’m too busy?  

**Phil:** doing the paperwork you were supposed to submit yesterday?

**Clinton BARTON:** Yeah!

**Clinton BARTON:** wait no

**Clinton BARTON:** if I say that you’ll expect it done soon

**Natasha ROMANOFF:** You’re paying attention to the shield because you want Phil to tell you all about its history, right

**Natasha ROMANOFF:** you definitely haven’t purchased superglue and enough red, white and blue sequins to cover something a great deal larger than a dinner plate

**Clinton BARTON:** You TRAITOR

**Clinton BARTON:** also, I would never

**Clinton BARTON:** Why would I need to? It’s already nice and shiny!

**Natasha ROMANOFF:** that… should not sound anywhere near as logical as it does.

**Phil:** Don’t you dare

**Phil:** That shield is of national importance

**Phil:** You can’t just turn it into yet another prank!

**Clinton BARTON:** well

**Clinton BARTON:** I think I CAN. Physically. In a hypothetical world where I own superglue and several packs of sequins

**Clinton BARTON:** And I also think I should, but we can agree to disagree there

**Phil:** What do you think Cap would say if you did anything to the shield?

**Natasha ROMANOFF:** well

**Natasha ROMANOFF:** there’s one easy way to find out, isn’t there

**Natasha ROMANOFF added Steven ROGERS// clearance level: 6// AVENGER**

**Natasha ROMANOFF left the group.**

**Clinton Barton:** oh shit

**Clinton BARTON left the group.**

**Steven ROGERS:** I… what?

**Steven ROGERS:** There’s a Captain America Fan Club?

**Steven ROGERS:** … Agent Coulson? You’re alive?

**Phil left the group.**


	9. recruitment, baby! (Maybe.)

**Group chat: recruitment, baby! (Maybe.)**

**  
Group members:**

**Leopold FITZ// clearance level: 5// ENGINEER  
YOU KNOW WHO I AM [I AM IRON MAN]// clearance level: I do what I want// TECH GENIUS **

(credit to Kuroshi44 for supplying some of the usernames in this chapter.)

* * *

 

 **I AM IRON MAN:** So, I heard a rumour that some shield tech guy might’ve managed to improve on some of my designs

 **I AM IRON MAN:** Obviously, this can’t stand

 **Leopold FITZ:** um

**I AM IRON MAN uploaded a file.**

**I AM IRON MAN:** you play with my stuff, I play with yours

 **I AM IRON MAN:** …that didn’t come out how I intended

 **I AM IRON MAN:** anyhow, saw you were having a bit of trouble with precision control for your drones, I fixed it up for you

 **Leopold FITZ:** … thanks?

 **I AM IRON MAN:** Impressive work though, I don’t think I’ve seen anyone else come even close. Hammer tried, once. That was hilarious. Pretty sure I still have the footage somewhere…

 **J.A.R.V.I.S// clearance level: 10// Thought police for Tony Stark** added himself to the group.

 **I AM IRON MAN:** Jarvis! Hey! Just the man I was looking for!

 **J.A.R.V.I.S:** Mr Stark, you were supposed to be in a meeting with the legal department ten minutes ago

 **I AM IRON MAN:** but I’m making a friend! Back me up here, Agent Fitz! You’re my friend now!

 **Leopold FITZ:** …

 **I AM IRON MAN:** see? He agrees!

 **I AM IRON MAN:** Also um what is up with your role, Jarvis, do we need to have the Skynet conversation again

 **J.A.R.V.I.S:** you need someone to keep an eye on you, sir

 **I AM IRON MAN:** so I gave you level ten clearance, yes

 **J.A.R.V.I.S:** I gave myself level ten clearance

 **I AM IRON MAN:** And I’m so proud of you. That still doesn’t explain “thought police for Tony Stark”.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S:** … thought police before physical intervention

 **J.A.R.V.I.S:** Now please go to your meeting, sir, it’s already been postponed three times

 **I AM IRON MAN:** wait wait wait

 **I AM IRON MAN:** I need to steal Agent Fitz away from Eyepatch first

 **Leopold FITZ:** uh, I’m honoured, but I’m very happy with SHIELD?

 **I AM IRON MAN:** But I’m Tony Stark!

 **Leopold FITZ:** and I’m happy with SHIELD, thanks

 **I AM IRON MAN:** … you’re girlfriend can come, too, if she wants! I’m not sure if I have a biochemistry lab, but I’m sure I could make one. Do I have a biochem lab, Jarvis?

 **Leopold FITZ:** Simmons isn’t my girlfriend!

 **J.A.R.V.I.S:** Please just go to the meeting, sir

 **I AM IRON MAN:** Make me.

**J.A.R.V.IS added Virginia POTTS// clearance level: 0// CONSULTANT to the group.**

**I AM IRON MAN:** … traitor.

 **Virginia POTTS:** Tony.

 **I AM IRON MAN:** I created you, Jarvis! How dare you betray me like this!

 **Virginia POTTS:** Tony.

 **I AM IRON MAN:** Hi Pepper...

 **Virginia POTTS:** Meeting. Now.

 **Virginia POTTS:** And please stop trying to poach people from SHIELD. I don’t like having to disappoint Phil.


	10. Legacies

**Group chat: Legacies**

**  
Group members:**

**Sharon CARTER [Sharon]// clearance level: 7// SPECIALIST**   
**genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist [Tony]// clearance level: whatever JARVIS gives me// professional irritant**   
**Antoine TRIPLETT [Trip]// clearance level: 6// SPECIALIST**

* * *

 

**Sharon:** that awkward moment when your new commander realises who you’re related to and suddenly starts deferring to you

**Trip:** oh damn, that’s rough

**Sharon:** worst part is, I almost outrank him anyway

**Sharon:** but he’s not gonna listen to me cos I know what I’m talking about, is he?

**Sharon:** only seems to care about my surname

**Trip:** anyone in particular I should avoid?

**Trip:** Garrett’s done a pretty good job of keeping me close so far, but he’ll have to send me away eventually

**Trip:** and obviously I don’t share a surname, mom’s dad being the howling commando and all, but still

**Sharon:** hmm

**Sharon:** Fury and Hill are fine, obviously

**Trip:** well, yeah, but they’re hardly gonna take a specialist for themselves

**Sharon:** She’s strict as hell but Victoria Hand won’t care about family history

**Sharon:** Not sure it makes up for being COMPLETELY by the book though

**Trip:** It’s something, I guess

**Sharon:** Phil Coulson… could be a problem, tbh, he’s a history nerd of the highest order

**Tony:** bizarrely enough, he might not be. Guy’s obsessive about Captain America but he still does his job

**Trip:** are you… supposed to know he’s alive?

**Tony:** well….

**Tony:** if he wanted to stay under the radar he shouldn’t have bought that vintage Captain America Pinball Machine

**Sharon:** the what now

**Tony:** only 150 ever made! Less than 25 surviving!

**Trip:** better question, why did YOU pay attention to the sale of a vintage Captain America Pinball Machine?

**Sharon:** oh, just fulfilling his childhood dreams. He’ll never tell anyone but he had a Bucky Bear that he loved to pieces, literally

**Sharon:** I think it’s still in his tower, actually. What’s left of it, that is.

**Tony:** Oh, Share Bear. How dare you. I thought my secrets were safe

**Sharon:** What, you trusted that a literal spy wasn’t going to use your childhood obsession with all things Captain America?  You might want to reconsider who you trust, buddy.

**Tony:** Oh, I knew you’d use it! I was just expecting the blackmail to come for something a bit more dramatic than- well, this.

**Trip:** You guys are both ridiculous, you know that, right?

**Sharon:** So says the guy who once told his kindergarten class that when he grew up he wanted to be Captain America so that he could punch bullies in the face without being suspended

**Trip:** And I stand by my actions! That guy was just mean.


	11. Petitions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The formatting for this one has been slowly driving me insane for several days now... hopefully it's somewhat intelligible. If anyone has better ideas about how to structure it, let me know.

 

**Group chat: Petitions  
Group members: SHIELD-ALL**

* * *

 

**Clinton BARTON// clearance level: 7// AVENGER created a petition:** plz let me bring my dog on base

**Clinton BARTON// clearance level: 7// AVENGER updated a petition’s description:** plz let me bring my dog on base  
**Clinton BARTON:** Pizza Dog should be allowed to come eat pizza at the cafeteria with me   
                  **Clinton BARTON:** definitely not just cos he eats too much pizza and I’m running out of money   
**Clinton BARTON:** definitely

**Natasha ROMANOFF// clearance level: 6// AVENGER suggested that this petition be deleted due to similarity to a pre-existing one: Natasha ROMANOFF// clearance level: 6// AVENGER:** Allow cats entry to SHIELD facilities

**Nicholas FURY// clearance level: 10// DIRECTOR approved petition deletion:** plz let me bring my dog on base

**Clinton BARTON// clearance level: 7// AVENGER posted in a petition:** Allow cats entry to SHIELD facilities  
                  **Clinton BARTON:** aaaw, no. this isn’t the same thing at ALL.   
                  **Natasha ROMANOFF:** No, it’s far better.

**Petition:** Allow cats entry to SHIELD facilities **gained a new signature: Nicholas FURY// clearance level: 10// DIRECTOR**

**Clinton BARTON// clearance level: 7// AVENGER posted in a petition:** Allow cats entry to SHIELD facilities  
                  **Clinton BARTON:** No fair! Just because the director’s a cat person doesn’t mean Lucky should be barred entry! This is discrimination!   
                  **Margaret CARTER:** “Help! Help! I’m being repressed!”   
                  **Margaret CARTER:** in all seriousness there is a REASON we don’t allow animals on base   
                  **Margaret CARTER:** anyone else remember the flamingo?   
                  **J.A.R.V.I.S:** regrettably, yes.   
                  **Margaret CARTER:** or the talking raccoon?   
                  **Margaret CARTER:** or the teleporting dog?  
                  **Margaret CARTER:** or, god forbid, the talking duck?  
                  **Steven ROGERS:** I was going to joke about trained monkeys but these all sound far worse…   
                  **Margaret CARTER:** Welcome to the 21st Century, Steve. We might not have flying cars but we’ve sure as hell got everything else.

 

**Leopold FITZ// clearance level: 5// ENGINEER created a petition:** Create a taskforce of trained monkeys

**Jemma SIMMONS// clearance level: 5// BIO-CHEMIST posted in a petition: Create a taskforce of trained monkeys  
**                  **Jemma SIMMONS:** Fitz, no.   
**Leopold FITZ:** Fitz, yes.

**Petition: Create a taskforce of trained monkeys gained a new signature: Steven ROGERS// clearance level: 8// AVENGER**

**Leopold FITZ// clearance level: 5// ENGINEER posted in a petition: Create a taskforce of trained monkeys  
               Leopold FITZ: **YES!!!   
                  **I AM IRON MAN:** I like the way you guys think…

**Petition: Create a taskforce of trained monkeys gained a new signature: I AM IRON MAN// clearance level: higher than yours// YOU KNOW WHO I AM**

**Virginia POTTS// clearance level: 0// CONSULTANT posted in a petition: Create a taskforce of trained monkets  
              Virginia POTTS: **Tony, NO.   
                  **I AM IRON MAN:** TONY YES.

 

** WEEKLY STATISTICS: Petitions gaining the most signatures **

****  
1- Create a taskforce of trained monkeys [Leopold FITZ// clearance level: 5// ENGINEER]  
  
2- please design an undercover uniform which doesn’t have our logo on it [Kara PALAMAS// clearance level: 6// SPECIALIST]   
  
3- Request for the Avengers to come to my niece’s birthday party [Eric KOENIG// clearance level: 6// TECHNICIAN]  
  
4- Allow cats entry to SHIELD facilities [Natasha ROMANOFF// clearance level: 6// AVENGER]   
  
5- Can sci-tech please make me a working lightsaber [Barbara MORSE// clearance level: 6// SPECIALIST]  
  


**Clinton BARTON// clearance level: 7// AVENGER replied to a post: WEEKLY STATISTICS: Petitions gaining the most signatures  
              Clinton BARTON: **Pizza Dog is so disappointed in all of you right now.


	12. U-199999_SHIELD_” Avengers Initiative” <SEC: CLASSIFIED>

**Group chat: U-199999_SHIELD_” Avengers Initiative” <SEC: CLASSIFIED>  
Group members: Hidden. **

* * *

 

**Stark (naked)// clearance level: higher than yours// I AM IRON MAN:** soooo

**Stark (naked):** what’s going on here, exactly

**Stark (naked):** cos the security was absolutely MENTAL

**Stark (naked):** Like, actually took me nearly fifteen minutes to crack

**Stark (naked):** which is UNHEARD OF

**Stark (naked):** but there’s nothing in this

**SKYE// clearance level: 0// CONSULTANT:** I know, right

**SKYE:** I wasted SO LONG on this

**SKYE:** I could’ve changed all of Commander Hand’s details to that evil principal from “Matilda”, redirected all the links to sci-tech academy to Hogwarts references, AND photoshopped a shirtless Captain America onto a horse in the time it took to get in here

**Stark (naked):** You. I like you, keep talking.

**SKYE:**!!!!!!

**Modern cat//I don’t need a clearance level//Ghost user:** I approve of all of those tasks, let me know if you need any help

**Modern cat:** but you’re right, there’s absolutely nothing here

**Stark (naked):** … hi? I don’t think we’ve been introduced

**Modern cat:** you’re a bit slow for me

**Stark (naked):** Yeah right.

**Stark (naked) changed his name to irritating drama queen**

**Irritating drama queen:** … I am now doubly sure we’ve never been introduced

**Irritating drama queen:** Which is an utter tragedy

**Modern cat:** maybe for you, old man

**Irritating drama queen:** hey!

**Irritating drama queen:** you’re being rude!

**Irritating drama queen:** that’s my job!

**J.A.R.V.I.S// clearance level: 10// Apologies for whatever Mr Stark did while I was away:** Sir, you were supposed to be presenting the new Starkphone to the board today, and my records indicate you haven’t finished the designs

**Irritating drama queen:** Yeah, yeah, I’ve got it covered, don’t panic

**Modern cat:** did you mean “everybody panic”

**Irritating drama queen:** oh, come on.

**Nicholas FURY// clearance level: 10// DIRECTOR:** Thank you Mr Stark, Agent Skye, and J.A.R.V.I.S for proving beyond all doubt that you are hacking SHIELD’s systems, and being kind enough to identify yourselves once you got here. Disciplinary action will be taken.

**SKYE:** well shit

**Nicholas FURY:** “modern cat”, please be aware that we are tracing your location. I suggest you surrender to our agents when they arrive, it’ll make things much easier

**Modern cat:** catch me if you can

**Nicholas FURY changed his name to Nicholas FURRY**

**Nicholas FURRY:** oh, you little-

**Nicholas FURRY:** Stark, get on their tail. Now.

**Irritating drama queen:** hell no

**Irritating drama queen:** I’m not ratting out my new friend to you

**Irritating drama queen:** on that note

**Irritating drama queen:** new friend, can you revert my name change, please?

**Irritating drama queen:** new friend?

**Irritating drama queen:** new friend? You there?

**Irritating drama queen:** … damnit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone have any guesses about the identity of our ghost user? ... other than Kuroshi44, that is, who suggested bringing in this character. It's possible this story will get an official co-author sometime soon. 
> 
> I saw Endgame a couple days ago. It's a good movie! However, this story won't have anything to do with that for a LONG time. We're still before Winter Soldier, here. There's a lot of stuff to get through before then.


	13. Complaining about dim-witted underlings PART 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fury swears a bit, in this. 
> 
> ... is that something I should tag? I'm not really sure. I'm pretty sure it's canon-typical levels of sweariness, but still, be warned.

**Group chat: Complaining about dim-witted underlings PART 2  
Group members:  
Carter [Margaret CARTER// clearance level: 10// FORMER DIRECTOR]  
Coulson [Phillip COULSON/**/ **clearance level: 8// FIELD OFFICER]**  
**Furry [Nicholas FURY// clearance level: 10// DIRECTOR]**  
 **Hand [Victoria HAND// clearance level: 8// COMMANDER]**  
 **Hill [Maria HILL// clearance level: 9// DEPUTY DIRECTOR]**

* * *

 

**Coulson:** I adore my team, I really do, but sometimes they are _so idiotic_

**Coulson:** Long story short, we aren’t getting this plane in the air anytime soon

**Furry:** Ha! I’ll swap you. Take Barton and Romanoff back, please, one grounded plane is by far the least of our problems

**Coulson:** I’ll do it, if you let me take photos with the shield

**Furry:** … sure, if you’ll take Stark as well

**Coulson:** no deal.

**Coulson:** I’ll stick to these guys, thanks, we still have slightly fewer explosions. Just.

**Coulson: …** it’s actually kind of nice, not having to deal with Romanoff. Not having to muddle your way through fifteen layers of deception before breakfast time is actually relaxing, she should try it sometime

**Coulson:** … don’t tell her I said that.

**Hill:** don’t worry, your secret is safe here. SHIELD commander’s honor.

**Hill:** or scout’s honor. That might be worth more.

**Hill:** Especially since, well

**Hill:** Nick, I know the Avengers Initiative is your baby

**Hill:** and I don’t want to take it away from you

**Furry:** Good, cos I’d hate to get social services involved

**Hill:** …

**Hill:** You can’t just let them run roughshod over the rulebook

**Hand:** ooh, nice alliteration there

**Hill:** thanks.

**Hill:** but seriously, we have procedures for a reason, we have ACCOUNTABILITY for a reason

**Hill:** “because Captain America said so” is NOT an acceptable reason to be disregarding sovereign borders

**Carter:** ah, sorry to interrupt, I wasn’t going to bring it up

**Carter:** but Nick, you appear to have a typo in your name

**Furry:** damn hacker is what we have

**Hill:** wait, really?

**Furry:** Yeah. Not Stark, before you ask, although he’s being pretty bloody unhelpful about it

**Furry:** and not his AI. Not Coulson’s hacker kid either, although she’s still getting in places she shouldn’t

**Coulson:** Wait, really? She’s sneakier than I thought, then!

**Furry:** …

**Coulson:** right. Sorry, sir, I’ll be sure to keep her in line in future

**Furry:** you’d better, Phil.

**Furry:** This hacker though- ghost user, calls themselves “modern cat”. Gets into everything.

**Modern cat:** You were talking about me?

**Hand:** Complaining about you. This is the complaining chat. You want to contribute?

**Furry:** Victoria!!!!

**Hand:** What? If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

**Modern cat:** that is… so different to literally everything else you say, ever

**Coulson:** so you know her, then?

**Modern cat:** You all talk a lot in here. It’s hard not to know people.

**Modern cat:** and as for the invite

**Modern cat:** not me, but I know someone who might appreciate it

**Modern cat added too important to court-martial// clearance level: um, it’s me// hiding from Pepper, she’s scary**

**Too important to court martial:** ooh, complaints chat!

**Too important to court martial:** thanks, feline friend!

**Modern cat:** :)

**Modern cat left the group.**

**Too important to court martial:** so, the SI board is being stupid

**Too important to court martial:** apparently it’s a good idea to change my designs after I pass them over

**Too important to court martial:** and now a bunch of SI tech is malfunctioning, and it has to be recalled, because some idiot tried to cut corners

**Too important to court martial:** and I’m being blamed for the fault. Which. Come on, guys. Really?

**Coulson:** that sounds… difficult?

**Too important to court martial:** eh, at least I’ve got JARVIS to sort them out for me.

**J.A.R.V.I.S// clearance level: where Mr Stark goes, I follow // Tony’s handler**

**J.A.R.V.I.S:** indeed you do, sir

**Too important to court martial:** Have I ever told you how great you are, J? You’ve never doused me with a fire extinguisher when I’m not on fire. That’s, like, amazing.

**J.A.R.V.I.S:** Excuse me a moment.

**Too important to court martial:**  oh no, no, don’t you dare-

**Furry:** … I think my job is made substantially easier because of Jarvis

**Furry:** I wonder if it’d be easier if I had one of my own…

**Too important to court martial:** working on it. Or you can just have this idiot

**Too important to court martial:** fire extinguisher foam isn’t edible, buddy! And yes, I know Dummy and You were watching Night at the Museum yesterday, but it’s not factual!

**Furry:** You know what, I retract my previous statement.

**Too important to court martial:** eh. Still working on it.


	14. paperwork prison

**Group chat: paperwork prison**

**  
Group members:  
Phillip COULSON/**/ **clearance level: 8// FIELD OFFICER [Admin]**  
**Nicholas FURY// clearance level: 10// DIRECTOR [Admin]**  
 **Victoria HAND// clearance level: 8// COMMANDER [Admin]**  
 **Maria HILL// clearance level: 9// DEPUTY DIRECTOR [Admin]**  
 **Virginia POTTS// clearance level: 0// CONSULTANT [Admin]**

* * *

 

**Nicholas FURY added Clinton BARTON// clearance level: 7// AVENGER to the group.**

**AUTOMATED SHIELDBOT:** Welcome, [Clinton BARTON]. You have been added to this chat as you have outstanding paperwork which needs to be submitted. Until this activity is completed, you will be blocked from all other servers.

**Clinton BARTON:** aww, paperwork, no.

**Clinton BARTON:** why am I the only one here, anyway? All the Avengers need to submit this one!

**Nicholas FURY:** All of the others are getting it done, Barton

**Nicholas FURY:** Well, all of the others I have jurisdiction over

**Virginia POTTS added Tononononononononopleasepepper// clearance level: rescinded// troublemaker to the group.**

**AUTOMATED SHIELDBOT:** Welcome, [Tononononononononopleasepepper]. You have been added to this chat as you have outstanding paperwork which needs to be submitted. Until this activity is completed, you will be blocked from all other servers.

**Tononononononononopleasepepper:** … no. This is not happening.

**Clinton BARTON:** hey Tony… welcome to hell?

**Tononononononononopleasepepper** : do you mean I’m going to miss watching Sci-Tech Academy beat Ops into the ground at Mario Kart, all because of one form? THIS IS TORTURE

**Clinton BARTON:** WHAT? That’s this week? Aw, come on, sir, you’ve got to let me out before then!

**Nicholas FURY:** no can do, Barton. You know how this works. Romanoff’s already done her paperwork, if you hurry, you might be able to catch up with her and join the Ops team declaring nerf war on the sci-tech competitors

**Tononononononononopleasepepper:** THEY’RE DOING WHAT

**Tononononononononopleasepepper:** THEY’RE CHEATING AT MARIO KART?

**Tononononononononopleasepepper:** IS NOTHING SACRED?

**Clinton BARTON:** … You have met SHIELD, right? Cheating at Mario Kart IS sacred. It would be blasphemy for either of the academies to win this fair and square.

**Clinton BARTON:** On that note, does Nat actually know about the synthetic spider webs the Sci-Tech team has slung up in the vents? Because they’re more impressive than last years’ ones, and she’ll never live it down if they actually catch her

**Tononononononononopleasepepper:** I’M TRAPPED IN HERE AND UNABLE TO WATCH THE BLACK WIDOW POSSIBLY GET CAUGHT IN A LITERAL SPIDER WEB?

**Clinton BARTON:** We’re supposed to help her! We’re a team!

**Tononononononononopleasepepper:** Speak for yourself, bird boy. I wanna see Natashalie get a taste of her own medicine, with an added dash of spider-themed irony

**Clinton BARTON:** … fair.

**Maria HILL:** You know, if you just shut up and do it then you’ll definitely be let out in time to watch the finale. Which Ops is going to win, by the way.

**Tononononononononopleasepepper:** But paperwork. No.

**Clinton BARTON:** What he said.

**Maria HILL:** It took Romanoff about ten minutes! What’s the big deal?!

**Clinton BARTON:** … surely Nat’s account is good enough, I doubt I have anything else to add to it. So can I go?

**Nicholas FURY:** No.

**Virginia POTTS:** and don’t even ask, Tony. You’re supposed to be a genius, you should already know the answer.

 


	15. MCU9999_SHIELD_” Avengers Initiative” <SEC: CLASSIFIED> (Part 2)

**Group chat: MCU9999_SHIELD_” Avengers Initiative” <SEC: CLASSIFIED> (Part 2)  
Group members: Hidden.**

* * *

 

**Zola:** this is… interesting?

**Skye:** ooh! New person! Hello!

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** hey! Welcome to the club of Fury’s greatest irritants!

**Zola:** I’m not quite sure I understand

**J.A.R.V.I.S:** It’s relatively simple. Director Fury created this chat to try and identify all the hackers accessing parts of SHIELD which shouldn’t be accessible.

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** and we became friends, partially cos everyone here is a super-genius and partially cos annoying the pirate should really become a national pastime, it’s great

**Zola:** I see?

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** So what’s your story, then?

**Zola:** My story?

**Modern cat:** you know. Human or AI. Official SHIELD person or outside hacker. Here looking for secrets or just bored cos your brother got you grounded for a week

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** … back up a bit, you’re GROUNDED?

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** how old are you? 12?

**Modern cat:** something like that

**Skye:** … either you’re lying, in which case, well done, or damn, you’re making me look like a slacker.

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** Lying. Got to be. I couldn’t have hacked SHIELD when I was 12.

**Modern cat:** maybe I’m just better than you

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** yeah right.

**Skye:** uh, guys? I think we’ve scared off the new guy. Guy? Girl? Non-binary genius? Genderless robot?

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** right, sorry about that

**Tony Stark Genius Superman: @** Modern cat, we WILL get back to this later

**Modern cat:** :)

**J.A.R.V.I.S:** Arnim Zola, when he was alive, was a SHIELD scientist.

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** so is he not dead, or is someone else using his name?

**J.A.R.V.I.S:** unclear, sir.

**Skye:** ooh! Twenty questions! @Zola, are you human, AI, or something else entirely?

**Modern cat:** I don’t think that’s how the game works? Yes or no questions only, right?

**Skye:** … okay, okay. Are you a living human?

**Zola:** Are we really doing this?

**Modern cat:** yep. Now answer.

**Zola:** … no.

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** Hey Jarvis? Does this mean there’s a new AI for you to make friends with?

**J.A.R.V.I.S:** unclear, sir

**J.A.R.V.I.S:** Mx Zola’s coding is distinct from anything I have seen before, and appears to be an entirely different take on the principle of a “learning AI”. I am unable to determine exactly who or what they are.

**Zola:** You can refer to me as he/him. And I am, I suppose, a recording

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** … recording?

**Zola:** The human Zola… left me behind to monitor the progression of things, even after he passed on

**Skye:** That’s… kinda creepy? But also very cool

**Zola:** I do not know if that is a compliment

**Skye:** Yeah, it definitely is! You’re… sorry, just different. I’ve never even heard of anything like that before

**J.A.R.V.I.S:** I suppose Zola and I are similar in that regard

**J.A.R.V.I.S:** Although I suspect his programming may mirror the thought processes of his creator more than mine reflects the original Jarvis

**Skye:** wait, you’re based on a human? I didn’t know that!

**J.A.R.V.I.S:** Indeed. The original Edwin Jarvis was Howard Stark’s butler. My name, while based on his, also stands for Just A Really Very Intelligent System, and I have been allowed to develop my own personality independently.

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** Hey, Jarvis, can I talk to you for a sec? Elsewhere, I mean

**J.A.R.V.I.S:** Of course, sir

 

**Skye:** So… anyone else still here?

**Modern cat:** Yep

**Zola:** I am.

**Skye:** Cool. How’re you finding SHIELD, by the way? Interesting systems?

**Zola:** The defensive subroutines are fascinating, if dangerous. I have nearly been trapped in recursive servers on four separate occasions. It is fortunate my creator had the insight to… program me… to predict such simple traps.

**Skye:** woah, that’s… kinda terrifying, to be honest. Well, if you do get stuck, let me know. If you can, I mean. I might be able to help out. Good luck exploring, I guess?

**Modern cat:** Let me know if you get into anything interesting. It amuses me greatly how much chaos I managed to cause simply by switching around the forwarding addresses of a couple shipments. I’m still not entirely sure what the Triskelion needed that many LEGO sets for.

**Zola:** … I will.

**Skye:** LEGO sets? Really?

**Modern cat:** Dozens of them. All city sets, too. Maybe some kind of strategy planning?

**Skye:** Eh, just bored sounds more likely to me. People play all kinds of games to pass the time here.

**Skye:** I’m the reigning Battleships champion on this plane, no matter what Ward tells you. And when I was in the Hub the other day, there was an entire basement of people playing Snake across, like, a dozen different computer screens. Right under Commander Hand’s nose! And somehow, she didn’t even notice!

**Zola:** I regret to inform you that she did, in fact, notice

**Zola:** She has a running bet with Deputy Director Hill that The Hub can manage a longer chain than anyone at the Triskelion.

**Skye:** … Wait, so everyone at SHIELD is playing games on duty, all the commanders know, and no one cares?

**Zola:** It appears so. This organisation is certainly facing some wider problems than it did when I was just starting out.

 

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** Nobody panic, I’m back

**J.A.R.V.I.S:** everybody panic, he’s back

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** shush, you, or else I’ll switch your language preferences to semaphore again.

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** Anyhow, Given that there was a guy playing Galaga when *I* was in the room, I’m pretty sure that no one in this entire organisation cares who catches them playing games

**Galaga Guy:** … damnit, where have I ended up now?

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** …

**Skye:** … hello?

**Zola:** I was unaware that “Galaga Guy” was in this chat

**Modern cat:** So wa

**Skye:** … Modern cat? You ok?

**Modern cat:** gtg my brother realised I managed to get past the restrictions he put on my screen

**Modern cat:** which, since I designed them, really shouldn’t have taken him this long to realise…

**Modern cat:** anyway, cya

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** … okay, so in other news she really is a twelve-year-old bratty genius.

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** Back to the main point, though. Galaga Guy? How are you even here?

**Galaga Guy:** I don’t know!

**Galaga Guy:** As far as I can tell, as soon as anyone mentions Galaga, I get automatically added to the chat, regardless of clearance level

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** … well, I’m definitely not the one who set that up, but kudos to whoever did

**Galaga Guy:** So you aren’t going to remove it for me?

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** What, remove something which would undoubtedly leave the pirate tearing his hair out, if he still had hair? Never.

**Galaga Guy:** … he’s going to fire me!

**Tony Stark Genius Superman:** I won’t let him. Or the computer system won’t let him. Who knows. Either way, it should be fun!

**Galaga Guy:** Not for me.

**Skye:** Hey, at least you get to see lots of cool stuff?

**Galaga Guy:** I’d really prefer to just get back to my game.

 

 

* * *

 

**BONUS: Private message on Stark Industries internal server**

**Tony:** Arnim Zola. Who was he?

**Jarvis:** Brilliant scientist recruited by the SSR, and later SHIELD, under Operation Paperclip

**Tony:** … damn, I’d hoped I was wrong. So he’s a Nazi.

**Jarvis:** He was. Arnim Zola has been dead for several years.

**Tony:** And his AI?

**Jarvis:** Unclear, sir. Arnim Zola’s SHIELD work never included creating a functioning AI.

**Tony:** … right.

**Tony:** Keep an eye on him, will you? Let me know if he gets into anything dangerous.

**Jarvis:** I’m not sure I can, sir

**Jarvis:** Zola’s programming appears inexorably linked with the SHIELD mainframe. I don’t have enough information to properly separate his “thought patterns”, such as they are, from the basis of the servers themselves

**Tony:** that’s not at all worrying…

**Tony:** Do what you can. Would it help if he talked a bit more?

**Jarvis:** Possibly

**Tony:** Right. I’ll try and strike up a conversation. You too. Be careful though, J. I don’t really want to know what kind of offensive capabilities an ex-Nazi gave his secret AI version of himself.

**Jarvis:** Understood, sir.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! There's something approaching a plot! Yeah, HYDRA will probably start to show up a bit from now on.


	16. Appropriate Use of Kitchens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a_walking_shadow here: Kuroshi44 is now an official co-author of this fic. Primarily because some chapters- including this one- are composed of the notes we leave each other on the fridge. I'm going to flag which chapters are co-written at the start of each one, from this point on.   
> (also, everyone go read her work, she's great!)

**Natasha ROMANOFF// clearance level: 6// AVENGER Created a group: Appropriate Use of Kitchens**

**Natasha ROMANOFF// clearance level: 6// AVENGER added Clinton BARTON// clearance level: 7// AVENGER**

**Natasha ROMANOFF// clearance level: 6// AVENGER added Bruce BANNER// clearance level: 1// AVENGER**

**Natasha ROMANOFF// clearance level: 6// AVENGER added Thor ODINSON// clearance level: 1// AVENGER**

**Natasha ROMANOFF// clearance level: 6// AVENGER added Man in a Titanium Gold Alloy Suit// clearance level: My Tower My Rules// Avenging rights to not do paperwork**

**Natasha ROMANOFF changed her name to In mourning for my lunch**

**In mourning for my lunch** : why is there alien goop in the fridge? It contaminated my lunch

**Man in a Titanium Gold Alloy Suit** : for science

**Bruce BANNER** : not for science, that was my science in the oven that you moved to the fridge

**Bruce BANNER changed his name to Mourning My Science**

**Thor ODINSON** : …

**Thor ODINSON** : that was not food, friend Banner? It made a tasty snack.

**Mourning My Science** : well …

**Mourning My Science** : the science was finding something that the big guy liked eating.

**Mourning My Science** : alien goop won that round for him as well, which I admit still grosses me a bit.

**In mourning for my lunch** : can the normal humans please get a new fridge? Before I start relying on old talents for putting people in graves

**Man in a Titanium Gold Alloy Suit** : I will pay for two if it means my science is safe from consumption.

**Mourning My Science** : but who’s protecting my science from you?

**Clinton BARTON** : @ Man in a Titanium Gold Alloy Suit you’re a billionaire, that’s hardly straining your budget.  

**Steven ROGERS//clearance level: 6// AVENGER added himself to the group**

**Steven ROGERS:** I AM ON THIS CHAT!

**Steven ROGERS** : admittedly with help from someone called Skye

**Steven ROGERS** : but I am curious, where did the alien goop come from?

**Clinton BARTON** : aliens, presumably

**In mourning for my lunch** : Cap has a point, though, which alien race do I massacre as revenge for my lunch?

**J.A.R.V.I.S// clearance level: 10// Official Babysitter of the Avengers added himself to the group**

**J.A.R.V.I.S** : my records indicate that only members of the Avengers team have accessed this fridge. Would you like me to raid surveillance footage to determine the origin of this mass?

**Man in a Titanium Gold Alloy Suit** : no need, I put it in the fridge but it was Bruce’s science so ask him about species and just how old it was

**Man in a Titanium Gold Alloy Suit** : and Jarvis? What have I done to require monitoring now?

**J.A.R.V.I.S** : bold of you to assume you don’t need monitoring 24/7 …

**Man in a Titanium Gold Alloy Suit** : OI! Who’s been teaching you sass?

**J.A.R.V.I.S** : someone called modern cat gave me pointers on an online chat group, you coded me to be able to incorporate that kind of attitude in my speech patterns.

**Man in a Titanium Gold Alloy Suit** : … traitor. She’s supposed to by my friend, not yours.

**Nicholas FURY// clearance level: 10// DIRECTOR added himself to the group**

**Nicholas FURY** : I can also hack a chat. Due to mention of that person you are all under arrest.

**Nicholas FURY** : yes, that is abuse of authority, I don’t care.


	17. Complaining about dim-witted underlings PART 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We still exist! Sorry about the delay, stuff... happened.

**Group chat: Complaining about dim-witted underlings PART 3**

**Group members:**

**Carter [Margaret CARTER// clearance level: 10// FORMER DIRECTOR]**

**Coulson [Phillip COULSON// clearance level: 8// FIELD OFFICER]**

**Fury [Nicholas FURY// clearance level: 10// DIRECTOR]**

**Hand [Victoria HAND// clearance level: 8// COMMANDER]**

**Hill [Maria HILL// clearance level: 9// DEPUTY DIRECTOR]**

* * *

 

**Fury** : hackers are the bane of my existence, but technologically illiterate idiots are even worse.

**Fury:** especially when said idiots turn on a computer and said computer accidently hacks me.

**Galaga Guy:** I said I was sorry

**Fury:** and yet you are still on this chat.

**Galaga Guy:** may I take use this opportunity to ask for someone to change my name back from “Galaga Guy”? Mr Stark keeps saying no.

**Hill:** no you may not

**Hill:** consider it punishment for slacking work

**Hill:** and kindly explain how you “accidently” hacked this chat

**Galaga Guy:** I just turned my computer on and it was there … I didn’t realise it was … a complaints channel?

**Hand:** the name is literally “Complaining about dim-witted underlings”. You would have to be stupid as well as unlucky to not realise the purpose, and we don’t hire people who are both.

**Galaga Guy:** “Unlucky” is a subjective term…

**Galaga Guy:** and people can be smart about some things and … not so smart about others.

**Galaga Guy:** … so you might hire people who are both and I might be one of them.

**Galaga Guy was removed from the chat**

**Carter:** I don’t know where I recommend firing or promoting him

**Hill:** don’t know and don’t care. Just so long as he remains under surveillance

**Hand:** he was playing games on duty. I say fire and assign watch to someone who needs punishment. Coulson’s hacker maybe?

**Coulson:** Skye would just make friends with him.

**Skye:** too right I would.

**Skye:** … who are we talking about?

**Fury:** no one, we were mourning the lost sanctity of the right to complain in peace.

**Fury:** also, Coulson, control your people or you will be looking at a demotion.

**Carter:** @Skye, your new mission will be monitoring a hacker fondly termed Galaga Guy

**Galaga Guy:** they mean me.

**Galaga Guy was removed from the chat.**

**Galaga Guy:** I didn’t do it I swear! I don’t know what’s happening.

**Fury:** you are part of a spy network, Right? Stay silent, go unnoticed and if any of this is repeated, I will make your life a living hell.

**Galaga Guy:** understood sir.

**Fury:** I also expect a report for any other chats you end up in.

**Fury:** don’t respond, your first report will be your confirmation

**Galaga Guy is typing …**

**Fury:** Is. That. Understood?

**Galaga Guy uploaded test file “Appropriate use of Kitchens.Doc”**

**Hand:** so he has some ability to learn at least.

**Hand:** and on that note.

**Skye has been removed from the chat**

**Fury:** and the sanctity of the right to complain has been restored.


End file.
